'BITE
ME'
Scene
– The drawing room of Cairfax Castle
Don (as the Count): Fools! Do you
think that you can destroy me with your petty wolfsbane and garlic?
Me, the king of Vampires? You shall see. Five of my earth boxes you
have polluted with holy water. Have you found the sixth?
Kev (as Van Helsing): Harker! Open the curtains!
That is the East. The sun will rise over the meadows there.
Bob (as Seward): The stake! Professor, the
stake! Hold him.
(Abe and Jo enter carrying several pizza boxes)
Abe: OK. Who ordered the family capricciosa, large
half hawiian half mexicana, vegetarian special and garlic bread?
All: What?
Abe: This is Cairfax Castle, isn't it?
Jo: 666 Cemetery Lane?
All: Yes.
Jo: Good. We've got a delivery for Donald Duke.
Don: I didn't order that!
Jo: So you didn't order (rattled off at a blistering
pace, a bit like a tongue twister) a family capricciosa, large
half hawiian half mexicana, vegetarian special and garlic bread?
Don: No. I ordered (equally blisteringly)
a family vegetarian, half capricciosa half marinara, special pescatore
with a herb focacia.
Abe: I told you it was a (yadda-yadda) a family
vegetarian, half capricciosa half marinara, special pescatore with a
herb focacia.
Jo: But the order says a family capricciosa, large
half hawiian half mexicana, vegetarian special and garlic bread.
Don: Well that's not what I ordered. When I phoned
I spoke to a Margherita.
Kev: You talked to a pizza topped with tomato and cheese?
Jo: No, Margherita takes all the calls.
Abe: She's not very good at English though.
Abe & Jo: She's a Mexicana.
All: Oh!
Lucy: Sorry to break up this little culinary repartee
but in case you haven't noticed this is a dress rehearsal for the 100
year celebration of Dracula's death.
Jo: (To Don) Oh, happy birthday… I mean,
happy death day… happy something.
Lucy: Don't be ridiculous. He's not really Dracula!
(Morag enters at the side)
Bob: We're actors.
Abe & Jo: Well der!
Abe: Like the real Count Dracula is going to ring up
and order a vegetarian!
Bob: He might ring up and order a real vegetarian.
Morag: Do not mock the Count or when he awakes he will
exact vengeance upon all who do not believe!
All: Whoa! Scarry-scarry!
